Pancakes WOULD Be Nice
by NoLogique
Summary: Alice finds herself aBREAST of the situation, if you know what I mean -- and I think you do .
1. Chapter 1

"It's weird," Rain said, leaning forward, as the train shook them, "it's like when I consume the flesh of living, it's like _having sex_. I don't know which way is up."

"Uh huh," Alice said, mouth open, gun in hand. Her eyes hadn't left the smoking hole in Rain's forehead for the past five minutes.

"That's the thing," the Licker said, sitting back on its haunches. "It's almost sexual, isn't it? I want to kill and feast -- it's no normal hunger-satisfy impulse, it's like -- it's like murdering and eating people is the greatest thing in the world."

"Well, _bully_ for you!" Alice said, her voice raising a few octaves, switching the gun over to aim at the Licker.

Behind her, Matt lay, his arm damaged, his blood slowly dripping on the train floor.

"You know, it's weird," Rain said, picking up the syringe. "You'd think this would have cured me -- it being the cure and all."

"Maybe I didn't grab the right syringe," Alice said. "Maybe it's all my fault."

The Licker cocked its head to look at her. "Still, though, don't you think there's something odd about this whole thing? If the antidote wasn't proven to work, why would they have manufactured it in such a large quantity. There's _several_ syringes here. Please, just a finger."

"No fingers," Alice said. "Let's work this out rationally. They didn't know the virus's effect on humans, right? They tested it by injecting it directly into living species, right? That's how they made _you_."

The Licker nodded.

"So would they have tested it on animals as an airborne virus?" Alice said. "You think they would have. They _must _have known it regenerated dead tissue."

"Seems logical," the Licker said.

"So why would the Red Queen have killed everyone with toxic gas? She must have known-"

"An ear?" Rain asked.

"_No_," Alice said. "Now, if the virus was as effective airborne-"

"Wait," the Licker said. "Is it plausible that they never tested it airborne? They never would have known its effects if released into an atmosphere?"

"That doesn't make sense," Rain said. "Then why would the Red Queen have gone psycho when it got out? They'd have ran tests on it through the computer."

"Maybe-" Alice said. "Maybe the antidote had to be airborne, too. I'm sorry, Rain."

"Yeah, why _would_ the Red Queen kill everyone?" the Licker said. "It was like she was begging for a bunch of zombies."

"No," Alice said, shaking her head. "No, the virus goes fatal very quickly. She'd have zombies anyways. She wanted to seal up the place."

"But why wouldn't she have told us about them?" Rain asked. "If she wanted so fucking badly to keep them in there?"

"She would have. She could've provided ample evidence. We could've checked with Umbrella -- they would know what we were working on-"

She stopped and looked up at Rain.

"Umbrella never briefed us on that," Rain said. "They sent us to their deaths."

"Maybe they're evil?" the Licker asked.

"No," Alice said, standing up, fear in her eyes. "A well-armed paratrooper squadrons costs money. A lot of money. There's training, there's arms, there's transportation -- they would've briefed you if they wanted-"

Rain nodded. "They wanted us to shut her down and get infected."

"That doesn't make sense," Alice said. "A briefed team could go down, fry her, and pick up a sample. It'd be much more efficient."

"Then what?" Rain said. "The Red Queen's in cahoots with Umbrella?"

"They're waiting for us," the Licker said.

"No, this doesn't make sense," Alice said, clutching at her head. Wires were starting to come out of her, and she clutched at them staring. "This doesn't make sense. It's like-- like a haphazardly plotted movie--"

"A movie?" the Licker said.

"Or maybe a dream," Rain said.

Rain fuzzed into liquid, and Alice gasped, suddenly on a cold table, surrounded by white light.

There was a man watching her. "Alice, are you awake?"

"Where am I?"

"There was a nuclear explosion. Raccoon City is gone."

"Oh."

"We gave you the power to kill people _through cameras_."

"Fuck, I'm dreaming again."

"No, no, it's awesome. It's like, you look at a camera, and if there's a person that happens to be watching you through a closed-circuit television screen, you can kill him. It's totally wicked cool."

"Uh. Am I dreaming again?"

She woke up on a futon, and she fell out onto the floor, a blanket wrapped around her. She blinked and raised her hand, squinting at the light.

"God," she said. "God."

Rain appeared in the doorway and said, "Sweetheart, you all right?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just had a really weird nightmare?"

"Aw, sweetie, what happened?"

"Ever had a dream where you were stuck with a bunch of people who couldn't act and had really bad dialogue?"

"No."

"Well, it was one of those."

"Well, no worries, darling, you're back home."

Rain leaned down and kissed Alice, and then flounced off. "I'm gonna make pancakes, you want one?"

"Yeah," Alice said, looking around. "Yeah."


	2. Chapter 2

"Tea," the Licker said, as the train shook as it barreled down the tunnel. "I could really go for some tea."

"Don't you feed on the flesh of the living?" Alice asked. "Why would you want tea?"

"Orange pekoe is pretty damn tasty with the right increments of cream and sugar," the Licker said. "You know I used to be human."

"Makes sense," Rain croaked, blood leaking down her neck. She looked at the cure that Alice held in her hand. "Think that's going to work?"

"It's a cure," Alice said. "The scriptwriters took a lot of time to make it the goal of all of us characters -- it'd be a big fuck you to the audience if it didn't work."

"Sweet," Rain said.

"I used to be a cashier," the Licker said. "I figure I still could be one, if I tried hard enough."

Alice administered the injection. "Right, there. Hopefully the antidote will work."

"It's an antidote," Rain said.

"Yeah, but antidotes might not work after a certain period of time, right?"

"What?"

"I don't know."

"A bartender," the Licker said. "I could be a bartender."

The train stopped and the doors opened.

"We could be the talk of the town," the Licker said.

White men burst through the door, rushing into the mansion, pushing a cart.

"Righto, righto," Matt said, leaning against a wall in order to keep the weight of his list off his bleeding arm. "Lemme see some ID, some ID?"

The Licker sat behind a bar in the middle of the entrance hall, mixing drinks. Alice wiped down some tables.

"You," one of the men in white said. "I want you in the Nemesis program."

"Two-drink minimum, guys," Matt said, ushering them in. "Come on."

Rain stumbled in, her pupils come, reaching for Alice, trying to bite her arm, falling over herself, crashing into the walls.

"Fucking guys," Alice said, shaking her head. "Some cure."

"Righto, righto," the Licker said. "Who wants what, who wants what?"

"Pan-" Rain uttered. "-cakes..."

"Yeah," Alice said. "Yeah."


	3. Chapter 3

"It's congealed," Matt said. "Blood only does that... when they're dead."

"Well, I _am_ a Licker," the Licker said, cleaning down the bar. "And I'm sorry I cut myself; the Hive doesn't have much band-aids."

Behind them, the zombies clamoured at the bent walkway, milling and moaning and grabbing at the paratroopers who tried to stay on the walkway.

"Righto, righto," the Licker said, banging on the bar. "Who's next, who's next? Spence? You want anything?"

Spence was too busy staring into space. Finally he said, "I think someone's wrong with my memory. All I can remember are quickly cut montages."

"Good drink'll fix that right up," the Lurker said, pouring out a drink.

"Man, I can't believe this foosball machine is up here!" Rain shouted over the noise of the zombies, playing against Alice.

"You're gonna lose," Alice said.

"I'm not dead yet!" Rain snatched the ball back from Alice's men. "I think I'll take this back!"

"I could kiss you, you bitch!"

"Then do so!"

Spence turned and watched the two girls fall into each other's arms and fall off the grate walkway into the zombie masses.

The Red Queen's voice spoke up, "I implore you: make me a scotch."

The Lurker shook its head. "Goddamn computer, can't even drink the fucking drink."

Kaplan came out of a tunnel and slapped down a plate of french fries onto the counter. "That's for Alice."

"Alice might be dead," the Lurker said.

"I'll take that," Spence said, reaching for the plate.

Spence snatched it back and screamed, "You're going to have _work_ for your meal!"

He disappeared back into the tunnel.

Matt went to the foosball machine. "Hey, if Alice is still alive, tell her I want to play her at this thing!"

Spence turned around and searched the mass of zombies. Finally, he saw Alice. "Yo, Alice! Matt wants to know if you're going to play foosball with him? In or out?"

Alice looked up at him and said, "I don't know what we had, but it's over." She continued to suck Rain's face.

Spence shook his head. "Nothing ever changes."

The Red Queen giggled. "I've been a bad, bad girl."

The Licker looked up at the ceiling. "You can't even get _drunk_, you underaged hologram!"

Men in white coats burst through the zombie forces and grabbed Matt.

"I want him in the Nemesis program," a voice said.

XXXX

Matt turned off his television and got off the couch and wandered over to his apartment window. The phone rang.

"Hello?... oh, _hi, Mom_... yes, I know... _yes_, she tried to eat me... I don't care if it _was_ sibling rivalry, she was a zombie... yeah, I don't know... I _like_ the Nemesis program, I don't know... I just think I want to switch into Fine Arts... I _don't_ know; what kind of job could I get with a Nemesis degree?... I don't_like_ miniguns..."

A knock at the door. "Matt! Come_ON, _dude!"

"Mom, I have a kegger to go to, okay?... yes... yes, I'm coming home... yes I want some pancakes... yes... yeah... yeah."


	4. Chapter 4

The train comes sweeping by through the station, and with it comes every bad feeling.

_This isn't right_, Alice says, turning in her tweed coat, turning to look back the way she came, back towards the city, towards her life.

Rain tightens her grip on her arm.

Leaves on a field, wasn't that all it was, really, just surface things, things that could be swept away at a moment's notice.

_Good God, do I love you_, Licker had said, turning and bowling over the lamp, _her_ lamp, the one he had bought for her, so that it crashed against the carpet and was swept away in that ocean of fabric.

They'd sailed on a boat once. The air was brisk as anyting and there was seamist crawling over the waves. The Licker had laughed, the wind on his deformed skin and she had laughed with him.

_Will you marry me? _he had asked.

_I can't get married_, she'd said. _I never want to get married_.

There was that night she'd spent with Rain in a cottage in the middle of a lake. Alice had licked Rain's breast until the nipple was hard, and then bit it. Rain had laughed. _Well, aren't you naughty?_

Sex was important, wasn't it? The phone booth outside of the Denny's -- the _snap_ of Alice's panties coming down to let Licker in, the way his tongue had slid down her shoulder, panting. Sex was the sign of a healthy relationship.

Black velvet, that's all their relationship was. Cheap kitsch. Neon paint on a tenous surface.

_You said you loved me!_ Licker shouted, tearing the wallpaper down with his claws.

_I've changed, _she said.

_Love can't change! It shouldn't be _able_ to change! It should be strong and willful and powerful!_

Alice shrugged. What could she do? What _can_ she do? She was who she was. If she changed, she changed. Like the ocean, always rolling and shifting shape.

The floor of the train station bucks and rolls, but Rain takes her hand and she finds herself moored, steady, solid.

_I want you_, Rain's voice trickles into her ear. _I want you for my Nemesis program._

_Fuck, you're naughty_, Alice sats, and laughs.


	5. Chapter 5

1.

Alice drives up to what's left of the factory. Twisted metal, scorched concrete, a corpse of drywall.

_- Whenever I see a gutted building, _she thinks; _I think of the boxes in the storage rooms, I think of the vending machines. I think of the bottled water._

A zombie emerges from the smoke and she blows it apart with her shotgun. That was her last shell; she will need to find more or hoof it with the dinky piece of shit some asshole thought to call a semi-automatic.

- _It's sort of comforting_, she thinks; _all the water was kept there, hidden away from the world, while children went thirsty. This fire here bubbled up, killed all those bottles, released the water into the sky. Now there's more water for people to live._

There is a car on the sidewalk. It obviously had turned during the confusion, had crashed into the building. There is what appears to be a hand sticking out at an odd angle from the window. Alice passes by.

- _I wish more buildings would burn down_, she thinks.

2.

When Alice kisses Rain's nipples, Rain can only think of the way light plays across the ceiling. This is not to say that she does not enjoy Alice's kisses; it is instead the opposite: Rain never thinks about the ceiling or the way the light plays over it, like the way light plays through the water in an aquarium, except in these moments of ecstasy. The light is a dance, really, and it dances with the ebbing pleasure.

"Oh please," she says. "More."

3.

The zombie looks over to what's left of a street lamp.

And wonders

Is there anything left to eat?

One day, it wanders to the edge of a waterfall, and beneath it

is the edge of the cosmos.

A vast emptiness, filled with nothing but miracles.

The zombie, it says, is the synthesis of human insignificance.

It walks and eats and does nothing

to prove it lives.

4.

There is something about vintage porn that is not like anything else Rain has ever seen. The images fly past her face, her fingers tap on the keyboard.

They look like paintings, is what they look like. Like Grecian goddesses. They look like something women were supposed to be, once upon a time, before thin was in, before Twiggy, before heroin chic.

There's something in their eyes, too, that other pornography seems to be missing, a sort of mischief, or knowledge that what they're doing is naughty. They're enjoying it.

Does Rain look like that when she is with Alice?

She wonders.

5.

The Licker lights another candle and sets it down in a bath.

_It's about frigging time_, it thinks. It has been clambering around the Hive for days now, days of finding only other zombies. It wasn't until it found the residential rooms, presumably for the former workers, that it began to enjoy itself.

It would go through the cupboards, filling the complimentary mugs with hot water, sticking a tea-bag in, adding sugar (the milk had gone bad days ago).

The Licker lowers itself into the bath, its mug of tea in its left hand, and it breathes in the scent of the candles.

Vanilla.

_The little things in life_, it thinks.

Like baths and tea. And pancakes.

_There was some instant mix back there, wasn't there? _it thinks. _Just add water._


	6. Chapter 6 A VERY Strange Crossover

The jeep rattled over the dirt road.

The main problem, of course, was dodging the piles of wreckage that littered the highway. Jill stepped on the brakes slightly, letting the car sweep safely past an overturned Jetta, its inhabitant snarling, trying to get out, trying to eat the flesh of the living. Beside Jill, Alice stared into her own reflection, parting her lips. Her eyes focused on movement beyond the window, and a bent road sign swept into view: THE CITY. POP. THREE MILLION.

Ever since the zombie plague began to sweep across the world, Alice had been expecting each city to bring with it an unnerving silence. Not so -- here and there were still spotted civilization -- parts of the cities still trying to keep things together -- restaurants still staffed, grocery stores still attempting to carry on some means of distributing food, banks still open for however many their customers were left. Soon they'd all be left to ruin, of course, all flesh for the dead.

Here was a bank, coming up on the left, closed in around it by red-brick buildings, sun-drenched light, and in the distance, the spire of a tall church. Jill grunted, her hand on the cloth-wrapped bunch of bills sitting on her lap, taken from the safe of the Umbrella corporation they'd just escaped. "Seems like a good place to make a deposit."

"Mhm," Alice said.

"Make sure we're not being watched, okay?"

"Well, I'll do my best. There's a lot of places here for eyes to hide."

"But -- I thought you could tell when people were looking at you."

"What?"

"Your power. When people are looking at you through closed-circuit television, you can sense them watching and make them die, right?"

"I can make people die without them having to see me through a closed-circuit television!"

"What?"

"I can just look at someone and make them die. With my mind. Blood out their eyes and everything."

"Well -- then -- how'd you know the guy was looking at you? _Wait_ -- you're _telepathic_, right? You can sense _minds_, right? From how far away can you sense minds? Can you sense my mind?"

"No, I can't sense _minds_."

"Hold on, I can figure this out. The security room in the Umbrella building was probably on a different _floor_, right, so that's a good -- man, you can probably sense minds from_ far_ away."

The bank door opened as they pulled up, and a man in a grey jacket and grey hat passed them, tipping his hat to them as they passed. "Ladies."

Beneath the grey jacket was a preacher's outfit, and a collar. "Hm," Jill said, watching him. "I wonder how the whole zombipocalypse thing will bode for the Catholic Church, huh?"

"I can't sense minds," Alice said.

"Ah," Jill said. "There's Carlos."

Carlos appeared beside the car, two coffees in his hands and shouldered open the door. He handed the coffee to Jill and Alice.

"Did you remember sugar?" Jill asked.

"I'm _Carlos_," Carlos said. "And I remember _everything_."

"Did anyone follow you?"

"I don't know. Alice, did anyone follow me?"

Alice blinked. "How should I know?"

"Well, you can sense minds, can't you?"

"_Why_ the hell would you think I sense minds?"

"Well, like you killed that one guy. Who was watching you on the closed-circuit television."

"I don't know how I killed him okay? It doesn't _actually_ make sense. What, could I have killed him if he _hadn't_ been watching me in the television screen?"

"But you smiled and everything!" Carlos blinked. He leaned forward, staring at Alice. His brow furrowed.

"What the fuck?" Alice said.

"You've got... Jill, do you see that?"

"See what?" Jill leaned in, staring at Alice. "See what? I don't see anything?"

"Her eyes," Carlos said. "See the Umbrella logo?"

"No," Jill said. "I don't see anything."

"Anyways, the _point_," Alice said, "is that I can't sense minds."

"Maybe you _could_," Jill said, "and then you forgot how."

"But I'm Alice," Alice said. "I remember everything."

A dark figure smacked against their window and Alice jumped, turning and staring at the grimy homeless man wiping his greasy fingers along their window.

"Whatcha buying?!" the man asked.

"What the _fuck?_" Alice said.

"_Welcome_, stranger!" the man shouted. "Got some _rare_ things on sale, stranger! What're ya _selling_?!"

"Oh good god, get away!"

"Come back anytime!"

XXXX

The sheets stained with sweat and sex, LJ sat up and wiped his forehead clean with the barrel of his fucking ridiculous pistol.

Next to him a man sat up and said, "Somehow I managed to get myself _involved_ with the incident in Raccoon City." He trailed a finger along LJ's shoulder. "First day in the force."

LJ looked down at Leon's penis. "You motherfucker is crazy! You big motherfucker got a _rocket_ launcher!"

"Used to be a cop myself," Leon said. "Only for a day though."

"I usually drive a cadillac!"

"I knew you'd be fine if you landed on your butt."

"Shit, maybe I was safer outside. Get that gun out of my damn face. Motherfucker, please, look: My shit is custom."

"Saddler, you bastard!"

"... Who the fuck's Saddler?'

XXXX

The bank door's jingled as Jill walked in, carrying the cloth bag of dollars. There was barely anyone in line for the teller, so she wandered up along towards the only teller in the place, a tall young man with black hair and brown eyes.

"Oh! Customer," he said. "Hi there, how can I help you?"

"Just a deposit," Jill said, setting the money aside. She looked down the tag on the teller's shirt. "Daniels? That a first name or last name."

"Last name." He tapped on the computer, brought up Jill's information. "One moment, please."

"Right," Jill said, turning around and leaning on the counter. She watched Alice and Carlos walk in.

The teller glanced over and saw exactly what he didn't want to see: a black swirling figure moving in the reflection in the computer. "Go away," he hissed. "Don't you think you've stayed your welcome long enough? You're just a figment of my imagination."

"_Sure_," the Cloaked Leader hissed, moving closer, its black-on-white figure growing steadily darker. "_Sure I will, Laid, you fucker, once you take that pen and stab that woman in the back of the neck_."

"It'd never reach," Laid muttered, filling out the forms. "Attached to the counter with a chain, remember?"

"Did you say something?" Jill asked.

"Just that your deposit went off without a hitch," Laid said, sliding over the receipt. "If I could just have you sign this?"

"_There!_" the Cloaked Leader shouted. "_As she's leaning in! Bash her face into the counter!_"

"Aren't _you_ the classy one," Laid said.

"Sorry?" JIll asked.

"Did you sign it?"

"Yep, all signed."

"Right, this one's yours and this one's mine. You're all set--"

Jill's eyes fell on the crystal hanging on a string around Laid's neck. "Is that diamond?"

"Huh?" His fingers clasped the crystal, warm to the touch, feeling the slight, imperceptible but vast, heartbeat inside. "No."

"That Jill, huh?" Carlos asked Alice, who staring at the water dripping out of a water fountain in the back (there was an ant who, spotting Alice's reflection in the water, was now writhing in agony, blood pouring out of its eyes).

"What about her?" Alice asked.

"Do you ever think a girl like her and a guy like me could ever--"

"No."

The door opened and a huge man in a trenchcoat and fedora leapt in, shouting for everyone to hit the decks, that this was a robbery, to get down and put their hands behind their heads. Behind him came a young pretty Chinese woman, another huge man in a trenchcoat and a fedora, and a man who was, for all intents and purposes, the twin of the teller.

Laid's jaw dropped. "Ee-Ell?"

"Laid?" Faye asked.

"Good Laid?" Evil Laid asked. "Huh, what a strange bank to choose to rob."

"Aren't you supposed to be in Alaska?" Laid asked.

"Canonically, yes," Evil Laid said. "But anything goes in an AU fic, it seems. Right. So. The robbery, then."

Carlos dropped to the ground, and put his hands behind his head. Alice and Jill stared at him.

"Okay, right," Laid said, looking at the clock. "It's absolutely lovely to see you guys, but my shift ends at three, so could we please wait and leave the crime-making to happen when I'm _not_ here?"

The door behind him opened, and Ralph came in, a cigarette in his mouth. He paused, staring at the scene. Laid turned and looked at him.

"Ralph?"

"Aren't they supposed to be in Alberta?"

"Alaska," Evil Laid said. "But it's an AU fic."

"Uh huh."

"Ralph," Laid said. "You don't smoke."

"No, but I thought I'd take it up," Ralph said, lighting the end of the cigarette. "Thought it'd make me look debonair."

He took a drag and puked all over the bank counter.

"Weird work day?" Jill asked, stepping back from the dripping vomit.

"Nah," Laid said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "This is basically Monday for me."

"Right," Evil Laid said. "So. Money. Large bags of it. Good Laid, if you'd be so good as to start spooning out the cash?"

"Laid, it's great to see you again," Faye said, smiling. "Apparently there's a zombipocalypse going on outside?"

"News to me," Laid said.

"Zombies," Ralph said, recovering, "are _fast_ buggers. Look like horses, only striped."

"Those are zebras, Ralph."

"_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, _you're right."

"Money, Laid?" Evil Laid said. "We're robbing a bank. The get together can be left until later."

"_Why_ are you guys robbing a bank?" Laid asked.

"We're poor," Faye said. "Also, I'm trying to learn the ropes. You know, you can't be a decent gangster without robbing at _least_ one bank."

"Goes without saying," Ralph said.

"I'm going to step in here," Alice said. "I'm not going to let you rob the bank."

Two massive guns swept out and came to bear on Alice's face.

"I can kill you with my _mind_," Alice said. "I'm Alice and I can remember _everything_. I forget _nothing_. There is nothing that my hippocampus does not, in some part, retain."

"_Alice!_" a voice shouted. The bank door slammed open and Major Cain appeared. "I've been looking _all_ over for you!"

"Huh?"

"We're having a family dinner today, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"You didn't forget, did you?"

"Forget? Major Cain, I'm _Alice_ and I-"

"Darkshade," Evil Laid said, rubbing his head. "Why didn't you lock the door?"

Darkshade blinked. "I thought that was Lobo's job."

"I thought it was Faye's job," Lobo said.

Jill straightened. "Wait. Alice, you have family dinners with Major Cain?"

Alice nodded, shamefaced. She remembered the last one, all of them seated at a table, Major Cain at the head of the table chewing on his chicken, Alice eating her Program Alice pills and floating in her blue tank of water, and Matt, the Nemesis, chowing down on some fetuses.

"I'm _disappointed_ with you, Matt," Major Cain said. "You're supposed to be the top in the Nemesis program. How do you explain these grades?"

"RARUHAUGHUHGHHDUH!"

"Alice, please calm down, I'm questioning your brother. Eat quietly."

"He's _not_ my brother! He's hideous and ugly!"

"But you are _like_ brother and sister. Heightened speed, agility, the same killer-"

"RAUHGUHGIJSKJGKJGJ!!"

"Alice, I _told_ you to-"

"Major Cain, that was Matt this time."

"Oh, yes, of course. Matt, about these grades. I thought you'd be better as this parallel strands of research. You showed such promise."

"Maybe it's because he's so mutated."

"Alice! It's not mutation! It's evolution!"

"RARAUGUGARUGH!"

"Matt!"

"No, Major, that was me again this time."

"Well, Alice, maybe you should chew your pills quieter this time."

And now, standing in the bank, Alice realized that she couldn't go back to the blue tank of water, that she couldn't go back to living with the Nemesis. She wanted her Rain back. She wanted to hold her and tell the bitch that she could kiss her, if only the opportunity arose during all the mayhem and zombie-killing action.

The door opened again, knocking Major Cain off his feet.

"Laid?" Lydia said, peeking in. "Are you done your shift yet?"

Evil Laid shook his head. "This is such a bizarre crossover."

Major Cain rolled over onto his back and said, "But there'd be pancakes..."

"Pancakes?" Ralph said, his head snapping up. He looked over at Laid. "Pancakes _would_ be nice."

"RARUAURAUURUAUGH!"

"Alice!"

"No, that was Laid this time."


	7. Chapter 7

Resident Evil: The Musical (make your own tune)

Act One:

HIVER WORKERS:

Slooow-motion...

lalalalalala...

sloow-motion... lalalalala

we go through our liiives in slow motion lalalala

did you hear that? (did you hear that?) did you hear that?

It's the alarm... we should all get INTO THE ELEVATOR! (elevator, elevator)

And sit here and be afraid/do nothing and be afraid/even as the other one goes down the shaft/we can sit and scream

Maybe I can FIT

Maybe she can FIT

NO SHE CAN'T

(percussion)

ALICE:

where am I? sitting on this floor covered in sheets

straaaaange... all i can think of are fast moving edits

all i remember is nothing

except these guns in these drawers

ooh what's that?

just some birds, just birds, just some biiiiirds...

(enter the COMMANDOS)

MATT:

Can you believe it, it's meeee... I'm going to tackle you, it's meee...

COMMANDOS:

Hiiiit theeeee deeeeck!!!!

(bum bum bum bum)

Won't you report, soldier?

ALICE:

I can't.

(yes you can)

I can't.

(yes you can)

I caaaaaaaan't!

RAIN:

I'm sassy, can't you see it? I'm sassy!

ALICE:

I kick dogs in the face

RAIN:

I'm sassy!

MATT:

I'm a cop, I'm a cop!

RAIN:

Bit of a fop.

COMMANDOS:

Yes, it's true! And when we are done and we can seeee, that all of I lives will beeee

KAPLAN:

Amazzzzing! But before we can begin...!

COMMANDOS:

We've got to get in!

RAIN:

Can't you see, fella-!

KAPLAN:

We're from Umbrella!

COMMANDOS:

And we can't just fall on our face/we can keep up and keep pace--

KAPLAN:

For Umbreeeeelllaa.. but we're not crass-!

RAIN:

Check out my sass! We'll be on top!

MATT:

I'm a cop! I'm a cop!

KAPLAN:

But before we high-five... we've got a stay alive...

COMMANDOS:

In... the... Hiiiiiiiiiiiive!

RAIN:

I will think of it twice!

ALICE:

Pancakes--

KAPLAN:

- would be -

ALL:

Niiiiiiiiiiice!!

LICKER:

Putting on the Ritz!


	8. Chapter 8

A Page and a Half of the Licker Making Out With Jill

The cowboys were shooting the saloon to hell, but Jill was too busy wrapping her tongue around the Licker's own membranous mouth-feeler. The glasses of beer next to her elbows exploded, showering her arms with glass and beer, but she was too busy sucking face with his mutated tastebuds.

The Nazis had occupied Paris, and there was a curfew now and a heavy taxes and blackbooted Ratzi scum hanging out in every cafe from here to the hotels, but Jill was too busy locking lips with that hunk of febrile corpse-flesh.

There was that time in his crimson Chevy, perched on make-out point, he in his letter jacket, she in her poodle skirt. Their fingers intertwined, and he grinded into her, pressing her against the door, his tongue swirling around her mouth. On the radio, the Beach Boys sang.

As the TIE fighters coursed out along the Executer's hull, an X-Wing came shooting at Jill's Interceptor, firing twin lasers. She didn't care, however; she had the Licker pressed up against the back of the ship, moving her hips against his, biting his lower lips.

Leon was leaping around the rooftop of the castle, fighting Krauser, knives shining in the moonlight, but Jill didn't notice; she was too busy pulling the Licker down on top of her, letting his hands explore inside her shirt, letting her tongue prod the inside of his mouth.

Voldemort was attacking Hogwarts from outside, but Jill didn't care. As the army of Gryffindors ran by, she ran into the Room of Requirement and found, waiting for her, the Licker's moist mouth, which she immediately violated with her own.

Peppy was constantly telling her to do a barrel roll, but Jill reached over and turned off the radio, instead locking her tongue into all-range mode and going for a dive bomb on the Licker's mouth.

Spencer grabbed the antidote to the T-Virus and, laughing, leapt out of the room, running for the train. Alice didn't care because she was too busy, slamming Rain into the wall and making the fuck out with her.

… Wait.

Rather, Neo was charging through an old woman's apartment as an Agent threw knives at him, but Jill barely batted an eye, preferring instead to use the Matrix's connection to the sensory parts of her brain in order to enjoy giving the Licker's throat a good cleaning-out with her mouth.

The Terminator wanted to Jill to come with him if she wanted to live, but instead she turned away and threw the Licker onto the bed and kissed the shit out of him.

Jack Bauer was beating up some terrorists, but Jill blocked out the noise with the sound of her saliva mixing with the Licker's.

Sweat beaded on Jill's forehead; her clothes were coming off; the Licker barely had time to grin before his mouth had some serious business to attend to (Jill's mouth).

_You are Jill. If you want to make out with the Licker, turn to page YOU MAKE OUT WITH THE LICKER._

1 PRINT "Jill". IF Jill wants to make the fuck out with the Licker THEN GOTO 2.

2 PRINT "Jill makes the fuck out with the Licker".

RUN

Jill's tongue The Licker's tongue 

Even as the pancakes were sizzling on the frying pan, and even as Jill was thinking how much pancakes would be nice, she was still too busy making out with the Licker to care.


	9. Chapter 9 Resident Evil 4 Parody Starts

Alice touched the glass of the car, looking out at the drab trees sweeping by. Beside her, Jill was doing her nails. Beside Jill, Carlos was sucking on his spillproof cup.

The sky was the colour of blank metal, angry-looking in its aggressive lack of colour. The trees were browning, and the grass looked dead. It looked cold outside, chilly. This was a land of wolves, and of hard farms, and dangerous myths.

"Hold it," Alice said, looking at the drivers. "_Spain._ We're supposed to be in _Spain_. We're supposed to be going to Madrid."

"My friend, but this _is_ Spain," the driver said. "Look outside. Look at the trees, the hard ground, the drab colours, the chill in the air. There is almost a frost. How could it not be Spain?"

"This is look like some poor pre-Soviet Eastern European country."

"Yes. Like Spain. Exactly."

"Spain is warm. There's sunlight, and blue skies, and green trees. There's _deserts_, for crying out loud. It's on the Mediterranean! Ever heard of Tabernas?"

"No."

"It's in Almeria."

"Never heard of the place."

"It's right because a big, fucking _desert_. It's a big tourist attraction! Hollywood films movies there all the time!"

"Look outside. Do you see deserts? Do you see light, colour, passion, the music of Spain?"

"No."

"Exactly. You must be thinking of some other Spain. Obviously."

"We just want to go to Madrid."

"Ah, a sad city, indeed. The poor are numerous there, clad in their brown rags, lining up for their food tickets, braving the cold that always clings there, afraid of the _warwolfs_."

"No, it is _not_!"

"Look, who's the Spaniard? Me or you? Anyways, you're in luck. There was a cup came out here today looking for -- what was he looking for, Berovnovik?"

"Oh come _on, _now, that's not even a Spanish name!"

The other Spaniard turned and look at her. "Again, lady, _we're_ Spanish. _You're_ not. Yes, I remember that man well. He was looking for the president's daughter."

"Which president's daughter?"

"... _The_ president?"

"The Spanish president?"

"There's a Spanish president? No, we meant the American president. Haven't you seen any American movies?"

The other Spaniard nodded. "Ivan Berovnovik here learned the knowledge of the world from American movies."

Ivan nodded. "Because there are not many Spanish schools, you know, being that this is such a poor country built on farming potatoes."

"Oh, _come on now_."

"And according to your American movies, the only president that exists is yours. So I assume the kidnapping of his daughter would be a major event."

"Makes sense," the other Spaniard said. "Since they're sending a single man off into the middle of nowhere with only two members of the local police to back him up."

"Makes _perfect_ sense," Ivan said.

"Are we there yet?" Carlos asked, looking up.

"Oh, Carlos," Jill said, reaching over. "You've spit up all _over_ yourself."

The car parked. "Here we go! Madrid!"

Alice looked out. A path led off into the forest. There was a broken-down wooden sign next to the path, stained with what looked like blood. The entrails of some animal hung off a rusty spoke.

"Do you even know what Madrid is?" she asked.

"Obviously, since we're Spaniards and this is Spain."

Moments later, Alice, Jill and Carlos stood on the side of the road, and the car drove off.

"Ah Madrid!" Jill said. "Sun and blue sky! Beaches! Rich millionaires! Bullfights! Spanish guitar! Maracas!"

She looked around. "Isn't Madrid supposed to be next to a river?"

Sighing, Alice started up the path. Carlos toddled after them, holding Jill's hand.

"Silence," Alice said, cocking her head. "Hear that? No birds or animals. Carlos, do you still have that gun?"

"Carlos doesn't _want_ to get the gun!" Carlos said.

"Carlos..."

"Carlos doesn't _waaaaaaaant_!"

A number of blackbirds flew up into the trees. Alice looked up the path. There was a man there, teetering, looking at them. He looked like a grizzled farmer from a pre-Soviet Eastern European country. He muttered something, presumably in Spanish.

"There's a local," Alice said. "Does anyone have the eng-spa dictionary?"

"I left it on the car," Jill said.

"Perfect."

"Not to worry. I happen to know French."

"They're Spanish."

"Well, for _fuck's_ sake, Alice."

"Carlos want potty," Carlos said.

"_Bo-shuda, Solo_," the man at the head of the path said. "_Huh huh huh_."

"Uh," Alice said. "Do you speak English?"

_"Solo! Hay lapa no ya, Solo!" _He started tottering towards them. Out of his pants he pulled a long knife.

"He's pulling a knife," Alice said.

"Probably some weird German greeting ritual," Jill said.

"Spanish."

"Whatever."

"_Han, mah bukee, keel-ee caleya ku kah._"

"Carlos?" Alice said.

"What?"

"The pistol, please?"

"I left it in the car."

"Oh, for _god's sake_, Carlos! I oughta-"

The man swung the knife. Alice rearranged his limb structure.

"Well," Jill said, leaning over the body. "He's not a zombie..."

"Whatever is happening here," Alice said, "it's bad. We should investigate."

"Investigate this Spanish wilderness?"

"Yes. Totally Spanish."

"Because we're in Spain."

"Obviously."


	10. Chapter 10

"Right," Alice said. "What first? We should probably try and find shelter -- that or someone's house."

"Well, this is Spain, right?" Jill said. "It's a first-world country. Should be a phone in every house. Maybe we can find some lonely old farmhouse, with a knocked-down telephone pole, and rabbit carcasses impales on a bunch of spikes."

"Where the hell did _that_ come from?"

"That house over there."

"Oh."

Alice stepped over the shrubs and broken wood and stepped into the packed dirt yard. She knocked on the farmhouse door.

"Think it'll be a zombie?" Jill asked.

Carlos tugged at Jill's skirt.

"_What?_" Jill asked.

"I don't like zombies."

"Well then let's hope it's not a zombie."

The door opened and a large man with a sugar bag on his head peered out. "Ay-yi-yi, you're here already? Come in, then. We've got Lord Saddler to see, remember?"

He turned around and stumbled back into the house, dragging a chainsaw behind him. Alice exchanged glances with Jill. She walked in, looked in the kitchen, where the big man with the sugar bag was sharpening pitchforks, which lay in a pile next to him. In the other room pale thin women with cut-up faces were bandaging their heads.

"Well?" the man with the sugar-bag said. "Damn it, I can't see anything with this thing on. Come into the kitchen. Lord Saddler's orders -- all women are supposed to have forty or fifty knives on them at all time. You'll find them in the cupboards."

"Shipment!" a gruff voice said.

"Arg!" the man with the sugar-bag said, standing up. "Damn you! Why must you always come around here! We don't want no more ammo! We want guns. You _got_ guns. I want to buy one from you."

"These guns aren't for you," the merchant said. "But pretty pistol ammo here -- have you a sweetheart? Place them in your cupboards, or on the table, or behind your bathroom mirrors. Here's some dazzling Red 5 ammunition."

"I don't _own_ a Red 5, gringo."

"Some stranger might come wandering around with one though."

"Look." The man with the sugar bag on his head turned to Alice and Jill. "Get your knives and head out to town. Get in some hurling practice with them too."

"Uh."

"Sweet," Jill said. "Free knives."

Her dress stuffed with a ton of rusty knives, Jill tottered back out of the farmhouse. Alice followed her out, sufficiently bewildered.

A pick-up truck drove by, with lots of laughing teenagers inside.

The man with the sugar-bag peeked out. "Was that a truck full of teenagers here to go camping?"

"Sure looked like it," Alice said.

"'Scuse me." Taking his chain-saw, he ran out after the truck.

"Hm," Jill said. "Maybe we should've asked them if they had a phone."

"I'm sure we can look elsewhere," Alice said, grabbing her arm. "Let's go."

"Guys," Carlos said. "Think I should start a mariachi band?"

"Where would you get mariachis?"

"We're in _Spain_."

"Doesn't mean there's a mariachi band in the middle of every-"

But sure enough, as they made their way into the rundown village, there was a mariachi band playing their hearts out next to the burning stake in front of the church.

"_Awesome_," Carlos said.

"Carlos," Alice said. "That's not a mariachi band. That's just a bunch of dirty peasants shuffling from side to side and occasionally tapping their single guitar."

"But I can _dream_, Alice."

"_Bo-shuda, Solo!_" one of the peasants screamed, pointing in the opposite direction.

Alice saw a man dressed like a metrosexual leap through a window, shooting down peasants, running into a door, torching another peasant, and kicking another peasant's head off.

"Is _that_ a mariachi?" Carlos said.

"Yes, Carlos," Alice said. "That's a mariachi."

"Really?"

"Should I just kill you now, Carlos? Would that make things easier for all of us?"

The man crashed back out another window, grabbed onto a rooftop ledge, flipped up onto it, cartwheeled, let go of his gun, stabbed a peasant in the chest with his knife, caught his gun and blew another peasant's head off.

"Alice," Jill said. "That guy could be whoever he _wants_ to be."

"Now this is a little ridiculous," Alice said. "He has to get tired eventually."

The man grabbed a peasant's face, tore it off, stuffed it between his teeth, spat it back out in the form of fire, torching another peasant, used that peasant's flaming body to surf down a pile of wreckage, kicking two peasant's chests apart, landing, kicking up a shotgun from the ground, and using it to blow a peasant into a pack of other peasants, knocking them all down, the man's hair still perfect.

"Okay, never mind," Alice said, "but who _is_ he?"

"Harry Potter."

"Does he _look_ like Harry Potter?"

"I never read the books."

"You _are_ aware that the books and the movies had a visual representation that became a major phenomenon in literature and film, right?"

"I don't know what those words mean, but yes."

"You don't know what the word _book_ means?"

"We can't all have gone to college there, Alice."

"You didn't go to college? How did you get your job?"

"Ask Carlos."

"Why should I ask Carlos?"

Carlos looked up and pointed. "Look!"

A church bell was ringing and the peasants started heading for a large building, disappearing through a door, which locked.

The village was deserted.

"Was it something I said?" the man said, looking around. "Wait, even better: Was it my breath?"

"_Hilarious!_" Carlos shouted.

The man turned and shot Carlos in the chest, who crumpled immediately.

"Oh," the man said. "Shit."

"I _like_ this guy," Alice said.

"Sorry," the man said. "My first reaction when someone comes towards me and says something is shooting them. Repeatedly."


	11. Chapter 11

"Okay, so there's the church," Leon said, walking across the graveyard. Behind him, Alice and the others were busy fighting off zombies. Well, not zombies. Spanish peasants.

In Spanish, one of the peasants shouted "Hey it's Leon! Hey, Leon! I've come to help you! Hey Leon!" and began to lurch towards him. Leon downed him with three disparate shots, then hurled a grenade, splattering the remains against the peasant's ancestor's graves.

"Leon!" another one shouted in Spanish. "Don't shoot me! I've got someone important to tell you!"

Leon knifed him across the throat, let him fall, then bent over and began slashing him repeatedly, again and again.

"That's all of them, I think," Alice said, wiping her hands on her dress. "Hey, Leon, you know what these guys are shouting at you?"

"Huh?" Leon said, looking up from the slashing. Behind him, Ness, Paula and Jeff bashed a zombie in the head and walked across the graveyard.

"You know Spanish, don't you?"

"Took it in highschool. I think."

"But -- you're a highly trained operative from the American government?"

"Used to be a cop, myself. Got myself caught in the events-"

"Hold on. They sent you to Spain, but didn't have to learn Spanish?"

"Let's go try that church door."

It was locked. Leon tried it, rattling the latch. He tried it again. "It appears to be locked."

"Oh," Alice said, looking over at Jill and Carlos. "Carlos, you know how to pick locks, right?"

Carlos had found a monocle on one of the peasants. He was strutting up and down the churchyard, muttering _Indubitably_ over and over again.

"Right, I've come across this before, don't worry," Leon said. "I'm highly trained."

"Come across what before?" Jill said. "A locked door?"

"I know the procedure. We'll scour the graveyard, search for anything. We're looking for gadgets, shards of broken glass, metal symbols, glass symbols, talismans, keys."

"Around the graveyard?" Alice said, looking back.

"Then we'll look around. There must be something to _set_ this shard of broken glass or metal symbol into."

"And that'll open the door?"

"I doubt it. That will probably open _another_ door farther along that bridge up there, wherein--"

Alice shot the lock off the door, then kicked it in. They slammed against their frame, banging, dust pouring out into the graveyard.

A pale cultist in a black robe was standing there, sweeping the floor, staring. He stood up straight and said, in Spanish, "Well, if it isn't Leon, our nemesis. You know, I bet if we talked more we could get to know each other, and you would understand our motivations better. Let me get you some coffee-"

Leon downed him with four shots, ran up and eviscerated him with his knife, stuffed an incineration grenade in his mouth, then kicked him farther into the church, to illuminate the rest of the building with his flaming body.

"I'd love to know what they're muttering," Jill said.

"What?" Leon said.

"What they're saying," Jill said.

"They're saying stuff?"

"In Spanish?"

"Oh, is _that_ what that is?"

"What."

"I just thought they were growling and gibbering at me."

ooo

"I don't understand," Leon said.

"I don't understand how _you_ don't understand," Alice said. "The girl you're looking for is being held in that castle, right?"

Alice, Jill and Carlos stood on the speedboat they'd liberated from a pair of a peasants. Jill had her map out.

"So," Alice said, "the castle is _on_ the water. Instead of threading our way through an army of peasants and inexplicably complex fortresses and tree-villages, and rope-bridges and mining shafts, we'll just _boat_ there."

"Are you sure?" Leon said. "My original plan was to walk there."

"But there's -- do you not _see_ all those makeshift structures along the coast."

"I see them."

"So why don't we avoid those? I think I remember seeing a big giant guy wandering around there. And weirdoes in masks. And chainsaws."

"Hm."

"Heck, we'd be better off just swimming to the castle."

"Hm."

"Get in the goddamn boat, Leon."


	12. Chapter 12 Zombie Follies!

Zombie Follies

1.

"_That_ is the castle," Leon said, pointing beyond the trees. "That is where _we _must go."

"Caramba!" Rain said, having suddenly appeared. "It looks like something outta Dracula!"

"It _is_ Dracula's castle," Leon said. He turned back to look at them and lightning zapped the sky, turning the universe's colour palette inside out.

"I don't believe you," Jill said, moving past Alice and looking out at the gloomy castle in the distance. "I thought you said Los Illuminados kidnapped Ashley. You know, the sinister cult."

"The cult of _Dracula_," Leon said.

"Oh _noooo_," wailed Carlos. "Dracula is _nosferatu_. He devours men's souls!"

"Dracula's castle is a creature of chaos," Leon said. "_Buut_ I'm sure its architecture will make _complete_ sense."

He stepped forwards and tripped over a huge crate of shotgun shells. "Score!" he shouted as he fell. He twisted around in the mud and started stuffing shells into his pockets.

"Big deal," Rain said. "I found a pack of grenades over here."

"There's a pile of ammunition under this tree too," Alice said. "Where does all of this _come from?_"

Leon looked up, confused. "What do you mean?"

"The whole time we've been here we've been finding case after case of bullets just _lying around_."

"... Yeah?"

"Doesn't that strike you as odd?"

"No?"

"Really?"

"Wow, looks like this is _someone's_ first zombie attack. Every time I have to fight zombies, there's always been ammo lying around."

"Jill, has this been the case with you?"

Jill shrugged. "Don't look at me. I'm the Jill from the movies, remember? I don't know shit."

"But--" Alice grasped for words. "Where does all this ammo _come from?_"

Leon thought for a moment. "You know how flies spontaneously appear in cow dung?"

"_No._"

"I think it's like that."

"You think ammo boxes spontaneously appear."

"Well, what explanation do _you_ have, smarty-pants, huh?" He shook his head. "_Geeze._"

2.

The Bloody Zombie wandered down the corridor until he reached the far door. He looked at the knife in his hand. A few cultists passed by, discussing their plans for Los Granados. The Bloody Zombie waved at them, but they ignored him. _My job is important! _he thought.

He accidentally stepped on a crow with his right foot and the bird exploded into a cloud of feathers and priceless gems. The door ahead opened and a man in a hooded jacket ran through, hurriedly laying down boxs of ammunition. The Bloody Zombie waved at him, but the man ignored him, moving into the next room.

The Bloody Zombie turned his attention back to his job at hand, and paced back down the corridor, past the rows of stained-glass windows. Occasionally, he swiped at the air with his knife. At the other end of the corridor, he could see three skeletons setting up a tall ladder.

"... window washing, window washing," the first skeleton said. "We're spending our eternal undeaths window washing."

"Better than those Regenerators downstairs," the second one said. "_They _spend their deaths wandering around medical labs shooting spikes at people."

"_I_ hate those flying medusa heads," the third skeleton said, but the others ignored him.

"I'll move the ladder over," the first skeleton said, shifting the ladder to the side.

"Ow! You bozo! You put it on my footbones!" The second skeleton slapped the first, sending his skull spinning around with a slide-whistle noise.

"Take _this_, you banana-face!" the first skeleton said, swinging his fist. The second skeleton ducked, and the fist hit the third skeleton.

"Why, I oughta--" The third skeleton picked up the bucket of susdy water and splashed the other two.

"You ninny!" The first skeleton picked up a squeegie and struck the third, sending him stumbling back and connecting with the Bloody Zombie.

"_Nooooo-ooo-ooo--!!_" the Bloody Zombie shrieked, exploding into copious amounts of blood.

The skeletons stared at its remains and started calling each other names.

"Whaddya we gonna tell the boss about the carpet?" the third skeleton asked.

The second skeleton shrugged. "We-ell, we should just paint the rest of it red and call it a makeover."

The first skeleton slapped him.

"Wait!" the third skeleton said. "I know how to fix this! What if-- what _if_ we left the room, then went back in? He'd be here again, like it never happened!"

They agreed it was a good idea. They strode out proudly, shut the door, then strode back in.

Indeed, there was the Bloody Zombie, standing there again. Immediately, he waved his arms and screamed, "_Noooo-ooo-ooo!!_" and vanished into an explosion of blood. A woman in a red dress stood behind the mess, pointing a smoking gun.

The first skeleton snickered. "I wonder if he ever 'Ada' chance?"

The second skeleton grinned. "But he did such a good job. I never got to tell him 'Ada boy'."

The third skeleton nodded. "He'd been working so 'Wong' here, you'd think he would have done a better job of climbing the corporate 'Ada'."

"Oh," Ada said, aiming the gun at them. "And here I thought skele-puns were a myth. Still, when it comes to _ribbing_ me, you guys sure are _lazy bones_."

"I think she's going to shoot us in our humerus," the first skeleton said.

"No," she replied. "After hearing those puns, I think someone's already removed your funny bones."

"Ouch," the skeletons said, but mainly because she shot them.

3.

They approached the castle doors across the drawbridge, when they suddenly opened. Alice threw herself to the side as gunfire exploded out, shooting across the drawbridge and into Leon. Leon collapsed, unable to survive the onslaught of, like, a gazillion bullets.

"Leooooooon!!" Carlos shouted, falling to his knees and roaring at the sky.

"No time for grieving, Dr. Jones," a voice said, from inside the castle. Alice looked up to see...

... Leon?!

Leon walked out of the castle wearing an elegant coat over an expensive looking suit. He wore a scarf and a fedora. He carried a smoking tommy-gun. "Check that fella's corpse," he said. "I think you'll find he's a robot."

Carlos bent over Leon's body. "He's right! There're wires sticking out of his bullet holes. He _is_ a robot!"

"A robot made of zombie pigeons," Actual-Leon said.

Sure enough, Robot-Leon burst into dozens of zombie birds. Actual-Leon fired bursts of tommy-gun rounds into the flock, raining priceless gems and feathers down onto the drawbridge.

"_Yep_," he said, striding out onto the drawbridge. "Me an' my Chicago Typewriter here, see, we been cutting a mighty fine swath through these zombie-types, yeah."

Alice stared at the pile of feathers and circuitry that used to be Robot-Leon. "Uh," she said. "Maybe we'll just be toddling along now."

"Not so fast, sister," Leon said. "If me an' my magic tommy-gun have anything to say, it's that I could use some help finding the president's spawn, see?"

"Magic tommy-gun?" Carlos asked, eyes wide. "How'd you get one of _those?_"

"Put a phoenix feather innit," Leon said. "Now get moving, see?"


End file.
